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Spectacles Spectacle

Fri., July 14, 2006

Jimi likes technology and feature-laden gadgets and although I poke fun at his conspicuous consumption, I think it’s to mask a whiff of jealousy. Jimi’s newish waffle iron, for instance, a gleaming masterwork of Bauhaus economy that cost more than my entire necktie wardrobe, is mounted on a gimbal and double-sided, so it can make two giant Belgium waffles at once.

Tonight I was over at his apartment, bemoaning that I could never keep the lenses of my glasses clean and streak-free, especially in sweaty weather like today. What happened next I can only describe as “informercial.” Without taking a step, Jimi reached over and grabbed a small device from a shelf in his kitchen and placed it on the counter. It was an Automatic Eyeglass Cleaner from Sharper Image.

The Sharper Image Automatic Eyeglass Cleaner.

This thing takes the cake. It’s mostly a plastic reservoir of cleaning solution that you change every so often. You open a compartment on the top, clip your glasses by their bridge to a little clamp, snap the lid shut and press the start button. Cleaning solution whooshes around inside. After a spell, the lid opens automatically as an electric-blue light ignites and beams through the water, making it resemble a scene from Cocoon, only instad of a youthful Wilford Brimley rising from the liquid, it’s your glasses, lenses transparent as the day they were ground. Then the machine hums as it gently quivers the glasses dry.

My glasses, just cleaned by the Sharper Image Automatic Eyeglass Cleaner.

You know, I could further mock this spectacles spectacle, but my glasses were squeaky clean. And what a show! I’ve seen off-Broadway productions with less drama.

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On July 19, 2006 at 11:05 a.m., Jimi Sweet wrote:

I shan't be mocked!