Substitute

The Zogby/463 Internet Attitudes Poll released today reveals that “One in four Americans say the Internet can serve as a substitute for a significant other.”

This intrigued me. I certainly dedicate enough attention to the Internet for it to be considered a significant other. But I’d never really hung out with the Internet as anything more than a casual acquaintance. So I posed some statements and questions to the Internet via Google and culled its answers from among the top search results. What follows is our conversation, edited for style, clarity and length.

Jason

So... How’s it going?

Internet

You know what I’m going to say to that? Fantastic. What could be better?

Jason

Well, want to get dinner sometime?

Internet

I get a lot of, ‘We should hang out’ or ‘Let’s get dinner some time.’ I get it so often that when I hear it now, I usually just brush it off as someone else trying to get nice.

Jason

O.K., how about a movie?

Internet

If you look at market studies, home theater systems are a phenomenon on the rise. More and more, people are starting to reserve space in their homes for an ultimate entertainment experience.

Jason

All right, let’s stay in and watch a movie on DVD.

Internet

Let’s watch The Wire, O.K.?

Jason

I’ve never seen that. Is it any good?

Internet

Yes it is. I think it might have legs.

Jason

Should we get some pizza?

Internet

I’m usually a Pizza Hut girl, but guess what? Domino’s has an Oreo cookie dessert pie, so this girl is going to cheat with the competition!

Jason

You are starting to freak me out.

Internet

Can you prescribe me Chlorpromazine? The trendy antipsychotics don’t agree with me.

Jason

Maybe we should just be friends.

Internet

But friends shouldn’t treat other friends like that. You’re not too friendly when you act like that.

Jason

I’m going to go now.

Internet

Talk to you lata!

Jason

Yeah, I’ll call you.