Millions of families are watching! Including Andie and I. Time to liveblog American Idol.
8:00 p.m. Apparently calling the contestants “girls” is O.K. (I mean, I don’t have a problem with it.)
8:01 p.m. Also: “guys.”
8:01 p.m. Ryan just said “ladies,” referring to the girls.
8:02 p.m. Randy wears a size 13 1/2 shoe, according to Ryan.
8:02 p.m. “Pretty fantastic,” says Paula.
8:03 p.m. I think Simon bleaches his teeth.
8:03 p.m. All the songs tonight will be ‘70s classics!
8:03 p.m. Carly is up first. She works at an Irish bar, where everyone is Irish. Like her. She’s “a homey person” who loves to clean and cook. She’s got a crazy accent. It’s Irish. Like her.
8:04 p.m. “Crazy on You!” By Heart! Andie recognizes it immediately.
8:05 p.m. Where does Carly’s accent go when she sings? That’s weird.
8:06 p.m. That was good, says Andie.
8:06 p.m. She overhit some notes, says Randy.
8:07 p.m. “Crazy on You” is Carly’s favorite song ever. And she’s “amazing,” says Paula.
8:07 p.m. Much better than last week, says Simon. “You’re panting,” he adds. But it’s not the “right song” for her despite being an “incredible singer.”
8:08 p.m. Andie is taking notes.
8:10 p.m. Correction: Andie was writing down phone numbers, not taking notes. “Don’t make me sound any nerdier than I already am,” she adds.
8:11 p.m. First commercial break: It’s not mystery fish. It’s cod, dammit.
8:13 p.m. Syesha has done a lot of commercials: “Dewayne! Find me a big beautiful shell.” Her imitation of a baby cry is terrifying.
8:14 p.m. “Me and Mr. Jones.” They got a thing goin’ on. Dear lord.
8:15 p.m. Andie is writing down Syesha’s number, too.
8:15 p.m. Liveblogging makes a young man sweat.
8:16 p.m. Randy loves Syesha’s baby cry. He hates her song choice.
8:16 p.m. Paula says that on the softer notes, Syesha tends to go off pitch. But she liked the interpretation.
8:16 p.m. “A bit indulgent,” says Simon. Also: that song wasn’t written for a girl. First boos of the night for Simon. He was put off as soon as she started, he says.
8:18 p.m. Brooke went to beauty school. Brooke annoys Andie. Exhibit A: “I see people walking around and I think, ‘What can I do with their hair?’“ Also: “I guess you could call me a beauty school dropout. But not a high school dropout. I did finish high school.”
8:19 p.m. She’s playing acoustic guitar. Carly Simon. “You’re so Vain.”
8:20 p.m. “Really good,” says Andie. Simon liked the way Carly—I mean Brooke—was looking at him when she sang the song. Pointed commentary or vote whoring?
8:21 p.m. The song suits her, says Paula. “Everyone was diggin’ it.”
8:21 p.m. Simon: I absolutely loved it. Absolute perfect song for her. Sang well. Didn’t sound old-fashioned.
8:22 p.m. Simon admits (twice) he actually did think the song was about him.
8:23 p.m. “She’s the one who needs to eat a brownie,” says Andie of Brooke. “She’s near anorexic.”
8:27 p.m. Welcome back to Idol.
8:28 p.m. There’s a Coca-Cola logo on the screen for some reason.
8:28 p.m. Ramiele! She used to Polynesian dance when she was in first grade or something. She can move her hips in a circle without moving her shoulders.
8:29 p.m. “She’s cute,” says Andie.
8:29 p.m. I don’t know this song. (I was a music-unaware larva in the ‘70s.)
8:30 p.m. I’m thirsty for a Coca-Cola.
8:31 p.m. “I like her,” says Andie. “She’s been my favorite.”
8:31 p.m. Randy says it was just “O.K.,” vocally. Crowd goes “Eww.” “Keepin’ it real!” counters Randy.
8:31 p.m. Paula feels the same way. Ramiele didn’t get to perform her magic.
8:32 p.m. Simon agrees with Paula, “astonishingly.”
8:32 p.m. But Ramiele’s one of the top-three singers in the competition, adds Simon.
8:33 p.m. Ramiele says she changed her song selection, “like, four times.”
8:33 p.m. “I’m gonna vote for her because I definitely want to keep her in the competition,” reveals Andie.
8:34 p.m. It’s that Ford commercial backed by “The Funeral,” which is a Band of Horses song. Eric hates it, says Andie. I like it because it was filmed in NYC. Plus: Band of Horses song.
8:37 p.m. JCPenney commercial: I didn’t know JCPenney still existed. Really.
8:38 p.m. Welcome back!
8:38 p.m. Kristy. America would be surprised to learn she’s a tomboy. “No, we know you’re a horse person,” shouts Andie, who is pretty much “America” in this case. She still can’t walk in heels. (Kristy, that is. Andie can walk in heels. I think.) But Kristy is definitely a tomboy at heart, as evidenced by the baseball cap she’s wearing during her clip.
8:39 p.m. Linda Ronstadt’s “You’re no Good” is the song. Kristy wears too much eye makeup.
8:41 p.m. Randy: “I liked it.”
8:41 p.m. Paula: “You’re back!” And good song choice.
8:41 p.m. Simon: “This week...it was a huge improvement.” I don’t know how to label you, he adds. (“Tomboy,” obviously.) She has real potential.
8:42 p.m. She’s trying to make it better every time, Kristy says. And she’s “a total country singer.”
8:43 p.m. “I don’t know if I like her,” muses Andie. “She likes the outdoors. I like that about her.”
8:47 p.m. Welcome back!
8:47 p.m. Brace yourselves, America. For Amanda. Who rides a Harley. And is a nurse. And likes reading biographies of rock icons.
8:48 p.m. And wears kerchiefs.
8:48 p.m. “Wayward Son” by Kansas, with Bon Jovi guitars.
8:48 p.m. “She’s got bad hair tonight,” says Andie. I think she’s always had bad hair, at least for the two episodes in which I’ve seen it, tonight’s included.
8:50 p.m. Randy: Wrong song! (Yes.)
8:51 p.m. Paula spins it positive: Amanda can dance. Also: she’s special and a brilliant artist. And the song sucked.
8:51 p.m. Simon: Everything felt contrived. “Terrible hair.” None of it felt natural or real. An ugly song. “I really, really didn’t get that.”
8:52 p.m. Andie had to leave the room for Amanda’s performance. “I like her too much to watch her in that state.”
8:53 p.m. If Andie had to sing a ‘70s song for American Idol, it’d be “Have You Never Been Mellow” by Olivia Newton-John. If she had Samantha’s voice, she adds. “Which I don’t and because I don’t I’d do a Carole King song. I’d probably do, ‘I Feel the Earth Move.’“ Jesus. I’d probably do a Neil Young song. But I’ve been drinking, so don’t listen to me.
8:55 p.m. Arty new Reese’s commercial.
8:56 p.m. That cell-phone commercial in which girls/ladies are playing ACRONYMS in Scrabble. You can’t play ACRONYMS in Scrabble.
8:57p.m. Here we go again.
8:57 p.m. Alaina. Age 17. From Tulsa. She doesn’t like the food on her plate to touch each other. She’s gap-toothed. And spends her ENTIRE segment talking about her food-touching problem.
8:58 p.m. “Hopelessly Devoted” is Alaina’s song.
8:59 p.m. Meh, says Andie.
9:00 p.m. Randy loves Olivia Newton-John. But it’s not the right song for Alaina.
9:00 p.m. Paula thinks Alaina did “a real good job.”
9:00 p.m. Simon likes Alaina. BUT: Alaina’s grandmother must have told her to wear that blue dress. Simon gets her to admit she’s only 17, just like the Winger song. “You’re one of the dark horses in the competition,” he says, telling her she’s gotta sort herself out and “become relevant.”
9:01 p.m. Do you think Simon bones the female contestants? If not, he’s at least jerking off to their B-roll.
9:05 p.m. Remember that music video where Paula danced with a cartoon dog? That was awesome. (Or was that a wolf?)
9:07 p.m. Back! Again!
9:07 p.m. Alexandrea: poster child for a fire department. Sang patriotic songs. Sang at Ground Zero a few months after 9/11. She has a nasally speaking voice.
9:07 p.m. “If You Leave Me Now.” Fucking AWESOME: one of my favorite Chicago songs. “I love this song,” sighs Andie, clasping her hands girlishly to her bosom.
9:09 p.m. Is Alexandrea wearing culottes? (No, says Andie.)
9:09 p.m. Randy asks her what Alexandrea thought of her performance, then says, “Here’s the problem...” Safe choice! Boring choice!
9:10 p.m. Never heard a female take on that song, says Paula. Relevant. Important. &tc.
9:10 p.m. Simon was a big fan in the early stages but thinks she’s struggling now. The song “is stuck in its time period,” and not in a good way. Boring song. (Crowd boos.)
9:11 p.m. Did you feel unsure, asks Ryan. No, says Alexandrea. Trying to stay consistent. She feels like she’s the underdog. “Aww...” says crowd, then claps.
9:12 p.m. “I like her,” says Andie, who confirms she will vote for her. Andie’s putting a star next to her name.
9:12 p.m. Kady: does her Britney Spears imitation. It’s accurate/funny.
9:12 p.m. “I love to sing opera in the bathroom.” [Clip of her singing opera in the bathroom.] Then she does a Simon imitation.
9:13 p.m. Heart. Again. “Magic Man.” Off key.
9:15 p.m. Randy: “Umm...” He loves Heart. But: “never quite found the notes.” In other words: OFF KEY.
9:16 p.m. “I think you sing opera very well,” says Paula, adding that Kady has “many hidden talents.”
9:16 p.m. “I’m very, very frustrated,” says Simon. He likes the imitations. He likes the opera. He doesn’t like “Magic Man.” No love.
9:17 p.m. “You’ve just got to find the right song,” adds Simon.
9:17 p.m. Andie’s not sure she wants to vote for Kady.
9:20 p.m. Andie is conflicted. She needs to review the recap.
9:21 p.m. Back!
9:22 p.m. Final performance: Asia’h. She was a cheerleader through middle school and high school. Went to something called “cheer camp.” “You gotta put your all into it.”
9:22 p.m. “Those are serious earrings,” says Andie. I agree.
9:23 p.m. “When I was young, I never needed anyone.” Ahh! It’s “All by Myself.”
9:25 p.m. “Highest degree of difficulty,” but “really good job with it,” says Randy.
9:25 p.m. Ending “brought it home,” say Paula and Randy.
9:25 p.m. “Diva song,” says Simon. Not that great a singer; shouldn’t have tried that song. “A silly decision.”
9:26 p.m. “You’ve gotta know your limitations, Ryan,” snipes Simon.
9:26 p.m. Recap montage!
9:29 p.m. “The ladies! It’s up to you America! The lines are open!” says Ryan.
9:30 p.m. Andie is voting for Carly, Ramiela, Alexandrea and Asia’h. But the only person she was really blown away by was Carly.
9:32 p.m. Apparently Kelsey Grammer is still off the blow and doing sitcoms. With Fred Willard. I really need to buy a T.V. Or not.
Goodnight, ladies!