How to Defunktify a Book
The offender: a musty hardcover copy of Sixty Stories by Donald Barthelme from 1981, purchased on the cheap from a third-party seller on Amazon.com. I imagined that unlike, say, the way professionals remove sticker residue from a book’s dustcover1, there would be a dozen suggestions for defunktifying a book. Hey, presto; I was right. I Googled a batch and rewrote them concisely for the table below. Any suggestions as to what works and what doesn’t, whether or not it’s listed here?
| Action | Duration |
| prop the book open in front of an ionizing air purifier | 24 hours |
| apply vinegar to the book’s spine | two days |
| vacuum the book with an upholstery attachment | a few minutes |
| sprinkle baking soda or unscented talcum powder between the book’s pages | “a few days” |
| seal the book in a plastic bag or container with charcoal briquettes, diatomaceous earth, unscented2 dryer sheets, an open box of baking soda or kitty litter3 | “a few days” to “a couple weeks” |
| put the book in the freezer | “for a while” |
| use J. Godsey’s Book Deodorizer | ??? |
| seal the book in a cardboard box with several crumpled sheets of newspaper | “for a while” |
| heat an oven to 250°, shut it off, then put the book in, “flairing the pages as much as possible” | what’s “flairing?” |
| leave the book in a closed car in direct summer sunlight, as you would a small dog or child | ??? |
| take the book to a dry cleaner and see if they can put it in their “ozone chamber” (if they have one, whatever it is) | ??? |
| “pull the book out from the rest of the books and burn it” | a few minutes |
2 Unscented or the book will smell like dryer-sheet perfume and nothing deodorizes that. [back]
3 Do not let the book touch the kitty litter; it can stain the book. [back]