Neil Diamond’s Technical Wizardry

[Neil Diamond] said fans will be wowed by [his new tour this summer], which includes what he calls “technical wizardry . . . we can do things on this stage that we’ve never dreamed were possible.”

Still, when asked to give details, Diamond was mum.

Dare to dream! I’m picturing:

• the Diamond Dancers, a chorus of writhing, bejeweled backup singers
• glitter cannons
• robot version of Neil to sing harmony alongside actual Neil
• Neil takes the stage parachuting from the crown of the Statue of Liberty
• Neil departs the stage on a jetpack
• combination illegal-immigrant roundup/chorus-line during “America”
• low carbon-emission laser effects
• custom vocoder that digitally enhances sandpaperiness of Neil’s voice
• instead of confetti, 50,000 pairs of Levi’s “Slouch Straight” 504 jeans dropped on crowd during “Forever in Blue Jeans”
• special guest: Cher, facial structure and costume circa “If I Could Turn Back Time”
• And for the win, a coworker of mine submitted, “Before going on tour, Neil will have surgery to wrap 169 small LED lights around his heart so that when he sings “Heartlight’ the LEDs will flash and spell out H-E-A-R-T-L-I-G-H-T during the choruses.”