Amid the past few drizzly days here in New York, my lowly but strong Totes umbrella, which I’ve somehow owned and used actively since college, finally broke. There existed, however, a valiant attempt to have various manly officemates attempt to unjam the “eject umbrella” button, much as Arthur unjammed Excalibur. I dropped off my umbrella to said men, then reiterated my request for help via Nigerian-format spam, which seemed to make sense at the time. I was kind of broken up over the umbrella, you understand.
The request:
Dear Sirs,
SOLICITING FOR A BUSINESS VENTURE AND PARTNERSHIP
Before I proceed, I am grateful to introduce myself. My name is Dr. JP Young, an Ohioan. I was formerly a personal aide to PRESIDENT MILLARD FILLMORE. Due to my position and closeness with the President, I absconded with his umbrella, which was meant for his campaigns in the rainy Northwestern region of this country. Presently I have been unable to open the umbrella.
MY REQUEST: I am looking for a trustworthy individual or firm to advise me in the right investment for a new umbrella or to provide ways and means to open my present umbrella.
COMMISSION AND REMUNERATION: In regards to your commission and remuneration, I have decided to offer you a coupon for $1 off any large “Toasty” submarine-style sandwich from Quiznos to cover your expenses (telephone bills, travel expenses, hotel bills and other expenses incurred).
NOTE: I strongly believe that associating with you to embark on this and other business ventures will derive a huge success hereafter and will result in a long-lasting business partnership. Also, please return my umbrella.
YOURS TRULY,
Dr. JP Young
The response:
Our advice to you, Dr. JP Young, is to retire said umbrella (never forgetting the good times had with said umbrella,) and invest in a new type of rain deterrent that will otherwise be taking the world by storm very shortly.
I have since purchased a new umbrella. It really sucks.