My Cubicle Credo

I spend the majority of my waking life sitting in a cubicle. Also, I can’t think of anything more exciting to write about. So here is my cubicle credo.

• I believe cubicles are not meant for establishing one’s identity. Any figurines, dolls, stuffed animals and other toys perched on or in a cubicle should be stored at home in the cubicle dweller’s basement, near the remains of his unhappy, attention-starved childhood.
• I believe a spartan desktop indicates someone with too much time on his hands or a position in upper management.
• I believe in a pile system, one that extends from credenza to floor, draping every horizontal surface like luxuriant Spanish moss.
• I believe that if a tidy cubicle can serve its occupant as a metaphor for a well-prioritized and disciplined mind, I am allowed to claim that my pile system and strewn paperwork represent productive precipitation from my frequent “brainstorms.”
• I believe in displaying a cherished family photo in my cubicle. It suggests I’m affable and it’s a good conversation-starter when visitors or new employees stop by. It’s fun for me to talk about, too, because it doesn’t depict anyone from my family. It’s a wallet-sized studio portrait of grinning, Kindergarten-aged triplets that a coworker gave me a while back for no apparent reason. (They’re his sister’s kids and he talks about them constantly.) So I pinned the photo to my cubicle wall and when people ask about it, I make stuff up. “Jonathan, there in the middle? He died from the grippe soon after that photo was taken,” I’ll say. “But I hadn’t really bonded with him yet as an uncle, so it wasn’t a terrible loss. At least from my perspective.”
• I believe in displaying few other cubicle decorations. Mine include:
  • a Trogdor the Burninator sticker I found on a sidewalk in Cobble Hill.
  • a variety of those oval stickers from bananas, spanning Del Monte, Anita, Chiquita, Bonita and Turbana.
  • a printout of that “I Ain’t Your Friend, Palooka” graphic I commissioned last fall.
  • Rocket, a Beanie Baby blue jay that I stole from IT Guy. (Because I occasionally throw it at people, I consider Rocket a tool, not a toy.)
  • a J. deBeer & Son brand softball that I stole from the office softball team’s equipment bag. I like the box because it doesn’t appear to have been redesigned since the company was founded in 1889 (“It has the Pep and stands Punishment”).
• I believe I would like to take a nap in my cubicle but I haven’t yet figured out how to do so without getting bothered or fired.
• I believe in updating my blog from my cubicle, on the occasions that I subdivide my lunch hour into a dozen or more “mini-breaks.”